When my ex-husband contacted me for the first time in three months, I was a bit worried. We had quite the falling out in November. Thankfully it was titled “Therapist” so I knew it wasn’t just some random bullshit. I will admit when he first approached me about getting closure, I didn’t really want to do it. Closure really has to come from yourself. You can talk up and down the street all day about it, but in the end… you have to FEEL it. You have to BELIEVE it. You have to know in your heart that it’s done and you have to be okay with that. Not just on good days, but on bad days as well. You have to be at peace with the choices you’ve made. I didn’t really feel like that was something I needed to talk to him about. I felt I could achieve closure on my own. But his therapist thought it would be a good idea for us to talk. In some ways, it probably was. We both needed to be able to say all the things we needed to, without the bullshit anger getting in the way. We needed to stop, think, and listen to each other. For the first time in over a year. We needed it for our new relationships. And that’s why I agreed to do it. I really want to make my relationship work, he really wants to make his relationship work… and even though I love him… that means wanting to see him happy. Even if I had to revisit thoughts and emotions that hurt me. While still maintaining a grown-up attitude. Sometimes my mood swings make that damn near impossible.
In the end am I happy that I was able to say the things I needed to say. Yes. Am I happy he was able to say the things he needed to say, yes. Those memories will always be a big part of who I am, but things change. People grow. Will I always love him, absolutely. Will I always worry about how he’s doing, probably. But as the space between us grows, the connection fades. We’ve both moved on in life. Not just with partners. We’re two completely different people than we used to be. I think both of us fail to actually see that, we know it, we just don’t see it. In our minds we’ll always be 18.
There are things that happened in our marriage, things that I will take to my grave. Things that only we know. I don’t think I’ll ever open up completely about it. Sometimes it’s better that way. No matter what though, this is the end. Not because we said so like every other time we said so. Or because divorce papers told us so. This is the end, because we BELIEVE it’s the end. We feel it in our hearts. This is the end.