I used to have pregnancy dreams all the time. Either I was pregnant, or I had just had a child. Last night’s dream apparently decided to spit in my face. I’m something like a week to a week and a half away from AF. I’m not really sure. Usually I try to keep track of when the witch should arrive. Lately I just don’t care.
Anyways, so this dream. I don’t remember how it started and it jumped around a lot (usually my dreams do, then again they’re usually robots and aliens and zombies…) Anyways I’m in a store. A department store. I’m walking around looking at something with a friend of mine. We walk by a worker’s area and one of the ladies has a pregnancy test out, waiting. So I slow down to see the outcome. She very excitedly yells pregnant and I just lose it. Whatever composure I have. Just tears. So many tears. My friend starts asking what’s wrong and I say “of course she finds out on the day I’m supposed to start AF, what’s wrong with my body!!!” So she tells me nothing is wrong with my body, I go off on her about how she doesn’t know. Four years. I’ve been trying for four years. By this point I’m doubled over, bawling on the department store floor. Then my dream switched to art school.
I’ve never had a dream where I admit there is a problem, or where the problem is shown, or where I’ve felt so defeated. I’m not one of those “dreams mean something” people (just because some of my dreams would have you saying “WTF!”) But that one definitely sucked. This absolutely worthless, useless, defeated feeling I feel in real life, is seeping into my dreams. That was the last happy place I had left. The one place where I could always see my kiddo’s smiling faces… Now even that is gone.