Time for Me

So there is quite a huge update in the love department. Usually I wouldn’t post about this, but because I have a whole section dedicated to my love life (past [even thought I don’t really dive into it very much] and present). So I feel like I have to talk about it. I can’t just drop the section with zero explanation. JB and I broke up this weekend. It has nothing to do with him as an individual. He is one of the greatest people I know. He is sweet and kind hearted. This really is one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of things. And I know no one ever believes that… but it really is.

 

I have so much going on. 5 types of anxiety, a panic disorder, OCD, PTSD from an abusive relationship in the past, major depressive disorder, and there is a VERY good chance that I’m bi-polar. I can’t control, let alone understand my emotions. I really have zero idea how to handle other people’s emotions. I’m terrible at helping. That and I have a problem with empathy. Usually I think the things they think are problems, are incredibly stupid. Like if you come to me saying “the boy I like, doesn’t like me back” *crying face*… I’m probably going to call you an idiot. That isn’t a problem. A problem would be you heading to work and your car breaks down on the side of the highway 10 miles out. That’s a problem.

 

Point being… mentally I have a few issues to work on. I have been in counseling for my anxieties several times. Because they do interfere with my daily life on a massive level. I was mildly agoraphobic. Thankfully I was kind of forced to get over that issue. Even though I can feel myself slipping back into it. Most days I have to force myself to do things. I have a problem even sitting out on the patio by myself. It used to be so bad I couldn’t even take the trash out. I still can’t drive. That is a HUGE source of anxiety for me. My OCD plays into that as well. I have this issue with if I can think it, it can happen. With anxiety I think the worst constantly, OCD tells me that my thoughts can make those bad thoughts happen. If that makes sense. Like say for instance that I’m driving and I start having a panic attack. My anxiety flashes to me crashing into a guard rail. Now my problem is that I just thought about crashing into a guard rail, now I’m going to crash into a guard rail. For whatever reason. Like once I think it, I can’t stop my body from doing it. It’s also why I can’t wish bad things on anyone. Trust me I tried several times. But I can’t. Because if I do and it actually happens… it would be my fault. If I accidentally slip and think something bad towards someone else, I have to go through a mental routine to “prove” that I didn’t mean it and I don’t want it to happen.

 

I constantly wash my hands. Three times per session. Up my wrists. Sometimes all the way up to my elbows. My cleaning list is so freaking detailed. I make sure to include light switches, dusting all the areas that no one ever thinks about, washing walls and baseboards. No one ever wipes down their baseboards. Like I walk into people’s houses and instantly see everything they haven’t cleaned. Not because I’m looking for it, but because I can feel that it hasn’t been done. Rooms have to be balanced. There is a method for this in my head that doesn’t only include furniture placement, but windows and doors as well. The right side of the room can be a little heavier if there is a window on that wall to make it seem more open. If the wall is closed (no windows, no doors) it has to be lighter. I don’t want to weigh it down.

 

There are so many other things. I could go all day listing them out. I don’t really want to. But you can see where these issues become a problem. Not only that but there are other things as well. I dropped out of school my senior year. Not because I’m not intelligent. Even though dropping out was a stupid thing to do. But because I realized I wasn’t learning anything new. It was memorizing the same facts to regurgitate later. It was frustrating. It wasn’t challenging. I became highly bored. I realized that knowing what happened in 1842 wasn’t something that was EVER going to be relevant in my life. Unless I went on some random game show. I don’t need to know about this. There were a few classes that served a greater purpose though. I did love accounting. I loved personal financial management (That would be how I cleared $3000+ debt and got my ex-husband a new car with only his test drive miles on it within 6 months, all on one source of income, without any raises. And how I created a financial plan that even our financial adviser couldn’t find any issues with). These classes served a purpose. They taught life skills that were USEFUL. Not useless facts that mean nothing. BUT this day in age if you don’t have a government standardized and provided education, you’re a nobody. I do not possess that magical little paper that says “she’s okay to hire, she conforms.” Because really that’s what it is. (No I’m not one of those conspiracy theorists. I’m just passionate about learning things that are useful.) So I went off in pursuit of knowledge that was relevant to my life.

 

Basically meaning it’s really hard for me to get a job, because I refuse to conform. I just need to find a company that appreciates smart rebellion and who will listen to my reasoning. Education =/= intelligence. End of story. Alas, without that paper and with my mental health issues… the most I’ll ever be at this rate, is a housewife. Now don’t get me wrong. I love being a housewife. I love running things behind the show. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, handling finances, meal plans, saving money… All things I ABSOLUTELY adore. But I was a housewife before. And that didn’t work.

 

I’ve got my life on hold currently to help my mother get her’s back on track. I’m stuck feeling like I’m going nowhere and I’ll never be going anywhere. I have so many things to tackle and no idea where to even start. I know I have a LONG road a head of me. One that really scares me. That’s why I broke up with JB. I need to take some time to get my life sorted out. I have so much to take on that I don’t feel like I can do it all and take care of another person on top of it. I need time and space. I do so very much want to keep JB in my life. He really is a great guy and I feel like we’ve already grown into such great friends. I’m comfortable being friends. I don’t even want to think about the future for the time being. I just want to focus on taking care of what needs to be taken care of.

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