I wasn’t sure if I was going to create a post for this, just because I still have so many different emotions towards the subject and I really want to do it justice. But at the same time I feel like it should be talked about. I guess. I’m not even really sure. My Abby girl celebrated her third birthday on June 2nd. I knew there was something “important” (I say “important” because it doesn’t carry the same weight as it used to) on the 3rd. I, for the life of me, could not figure out what that something was.
To be fair I did have a sick child preoccupying most of my time and thoughts. Not to mention my family is coming in on the 11th. So I’ve been a bit busy with life. It took me more than half the day to figure out that it was my would have been third wedding anniversary. Then I felt really shitty because I almost forgot it completely. Then I was proud that it didn’t even cross my mind for such a long time. Then I went back to feeling shitty.
My thoughts on it are this: It was something that once meant the world to me. In that respect it will always be important to me. But at the same time, it really doesn’t carry the same weight it used to and forgetting is a part of moving on and letting go. I shouldn’t feel bad for not thinking about it. And that isn’t me trying to convince myself not to feel bad either. Because part of me will always be upset with myself for not instantly waking up and being like “oh yea, that’s today.” But part of me is also like “it’s totally fine to not remember. It’s just any other day now.” It’s just a really weird conflicting emotion.
To be honest, the only reason it even did cross my mind was because of Abby’s birthday. If it weren’t for that I probably wouldn’t have ever noticed what day it was. I’m 100% certain that by this time next year I won’t remember when the day rolls around.
I will say I do remember my wedding day. Just him and I. He wore his blues, I wore a white sun dress. We went to the court early in the morning in Crestview. We planned on getting our licence and waiting the three days and getting married on the 5th, but since we were both from out of state at the time they married us the same day. Later that night we were at a Days Inn in Destin eating Pizza Hut and enjoying marriage. I remember we tried to get to the beach but we couldn’t find it from where we were. Just a bunch of private hotel areas. It was so FREAKING hot that day. Holy good lord. Days Inn also charged us out the ass.
We didn’t hide our marriage. Our families knew we had planned on it. From the day we were engaged. I couldn’t tell you the date on that one. We were visiting my grandpa in Oklahoma after his tech school graduation. We were talking about it in bed one morning and decided a year and a half apart was more than enough. It was either call it quits or get married. We decided to get married. We used a ring I already had (a gorgeous one carat aquamarine with two small diamonds on the side, set in white gold.) I really appreciated the intimacy of the engagement and the wedding. The fact that it was just us. No one else. We always planned on having a bigger wedding here in Oregon, but never got around to it.
Anyway. It may not have always been the best of times. We may not have always been the nicest to each other… but at one point in life, that was everything I had ever wanted. So I don’t mourn the loss of a dream on the 3rd. I celebrate what we had, no matter how brief.