Trying

To be more open with my readers about these types of things. The things I’m thinking, while I’m thinking them. It’s really hard sometimes because most of the time my anxieties feel really stupid. But currently my anxiety is through the roof. I usually avoid caffeine because it definitely makes things worse. Today was a bit too hot and I was offered a soda. Not thinking about caffeine… Never again.

Let me break it down for you. These are my EXACT thoughts right now.

I am overly aware of my heart beat. Right now my heart rate is 1-2-3-4. Usually it’s 1234. When it slows down, I kinda freak out. And trust me, I know for sure because I’m constantly checking my pulse.

There is a slight pain in my left forearm. In my head this means I’m on my way to a heart attack or a stroke. Chances are it’s most likely from me laying on my left arm for more than 10 minutes.

I don’t feel like I’m breathing as well as I should be breathing. Usually this is psychosomatic. For some reason taking my bra off relieves it completely and I feel like I’m instantly breathing better. I don’t know why. That’s just how it works.

As you can see… every little thing, suddenly becomes a BIG thing. Really fast. I usually try to convince myself that it’s nothing, but the battle in my head is too strong and anxiety usually wins. It’s at about this point that I just try to shut my brain up as much as possible and go to bed. I tell myself over and over and over that I’m fine and tomorrow will be a better day. Because tomorrow really will be a better day. I won’t be drinking caffeine.

I spent a good hour stressing over plugs the other night. We have these adapters. Since our house is old and has mostly two prong outlets. We bought two prong to three prong adapters. You’re supposed to attach the metal tab to the ground screw. Well I didn’t learn this until recently. We’ve just been plugging them in and going for over a year now with no issues. But as soon as I found out about the metal tab and the ground screw… everything went wonky on me. Suddenly I’m going to start a fire with these stupid adapters. I’m going to touch it wrong when I unplug something and shock myself. I refused to plug my T.V. back in. In fact it still isn’t plugged in. I had to ask someone who knows a thing or two if it would be safe to just plug these things in. They said they’re pretty low amp so it’s fine. It won’t start a fire. The only time it really becomes a concern is during thunderstorms. If there’s a surge then it could be a problem. Obviously we’ve been using them for over a year with no issue. I still stress though. Now that I know. He told me if I really wanted to be safe to just connect it to the ground screw…. but that scares me too. So. That’s that.

I almost had a panic attack last week because I thought I ate my fruit snacks out of order. There was 1 pear,  2 carrots, 2 grapes, and 4 apples. I ate them in that exact order. By number, lightest to darkest. Same as always. Well I thought I ate all the grapes, but as soon as I moved to apples I was looking around (because they have two shades of red apples in there. Not sure why…assholes. I eat the lighter red first, then the darker.) But I pushed one aside and thought I saw a grape! Instantly I’m anxious. I’m already trying to justify in my head why I missed it, and why I would have to go through a mental routine, and throw it away (which is never okay. I should have ate them in the right order to begin with.) Turns out it was just an apple. Thank goodness. Crisis averted.

This little OCD tick bothers me quite often. Well any time I eat. It’s with everything. I do it with skittles and M&Ms too. I eat them by number and color. It really gets tiring at dinner. I try to take smaller portions because I know I’m going to eat all of one thing before moving on. That doesn’t leave much room to break things up. Like if I take a bigger helping of pork, I won’t touch anything else while I’m eating it. That’s a lot of one flavor at one time. I’d rather rinse my plate and get seconds.

I just stopped to rub my arm…. the left one. The pain is still there. Not really. It’s like a small flit of pain here and there. But I felt it in the crook of my elbow. Now it’s a blood clot. Just so you know. Dead serious. That was my exact thought. Never just a pain. Always something more.

Anyways. Another thing I do that I don’t mean to do… I notice things that other people don’t. I don’t walk into your house looking for things to be dirty or undusted. I just notice them. The tops of fridges, baseboards, switch plates, tops of anything hanging, textured walls, wallpaper, grout, garbage can lids, sinks, faucets, any surface that can and should be dusted, stoves… the list goes on. I actually keep things like that in mind when I pick things for my house. I don’t like dropped cabinets. The kind where you can display things along the top. No thank you. Do you have any idea how much extra dusting that is? I like my cabinets to have a header. I don’t like fuzzy things. Fuzzy blankets, fuzzy pillows, fuzzy carpets, shag looking anything. Dust magnets. Ruffles. All that kind of fabric. Good lord. I mean they’re okay, but do you know how often you’d have to wash them. Like at LEAST once a week. I don’t like sconces. They collect a ton of dust. Lace curtains, or sheers. They sure are pretty, but they collect so much dust. Textured walls drive me nuts. I don’t know many people who wash their walls regularly (I know I do.) But textured walls gather so much dust. Ceiling fans. I hate them. I have a box fan in my room currently and I plan on cleaning it every two weeks. That may be adjusted depending. I might do it weekly. Baseboards. No one ever cleans their baseboards. You should be wiping these down when you hit your walls. Seriously. They get dirty and dusty too! The top of your fridge needs love as well. The stove hood. That gets gunky. That’s an every two weeks kind of thing.

Grout is a whole new ball game. I hate tiles for the simple fact that in our house (built in like the 60s)  they used super tiny, like 1 cm by 1cm tiles. Only issue is they don’t exactly all line up. You have no idea how much stress this causes me. I live for the day I can take a hammer to those fucking counters. Just saying. That and keeping grout clean is a never ending game. That’s a weekly task.

Window tracks. Often over looked. Drives me nuts. I love a nice clean window track. Knobs, switch plates, handrails, vents… all things that need to be cleaned on a regular basis. You would probably shit if you saw my fully detailed daily, weekly, monthly cleaning lists.

I also notice other things. Like I can tell you in the tan room (my old room) There’s a spot in the corner where a shelf used to be, the paint color isn’t the same here. There’s a spot where my brother killed a spider and I can’t get it off the wall, the wall light has no cover, the windows aren’t sealed very well, the blackberry bush has grown into the window screen. You can’t line the T.V. up to the window because the cord won’t reach far enough… all things that drive me bonkers. In my current room there area  few things. The paint has minor chips in a few places. The cable cord needs to be tacked up. The moulding and baseboards have been painted white, but NONE of the trim around the doors has been. There is no curtain rod, the curtains are just tacked up. There is a smoke alarm slightly off center on the ceiling. It’s close enough that it should have been centered. I can’t center my T.V. on the wall opposite the bed, because I want it centered with the bed. Which is centered with the window. My desk can’t be centered because then it’s too close to the bed and I can’t sit at it. There’s a dent in the closet door where my sister used to slam the door into it. There is what looks to be like green crayon all over the door knob. There’s a flat metal headed tack stuck in the wall.

All things that bother me…..

Anyways. I think that’s enough thinking on paper (or not paper) for tonight. I think that’s a pretty good peek into my brain for the time being.

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