I wish I could post more about this. To be honest I’m just now starting to fully accept it myself. There were a lot of things I denied for years. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that it was all an accident. I spent a lot of time hiding it from others. Especially his friends, family, and coworkers. I covered it in well maybe he was just playing, maybe he didn’t realize he bit me that hard… things of that nature. Like I said, it’s taken a long time for me to finally start to come to terms with it.
Our relationship/marriage wasn’t a normal one. I’m starting to realize that more and more these days. I was told a lot of things about his childhood that just weren’t true. The more things are revealed to me, the more I realized I married a complete stranger. I don’t even think he knows who he is at this point. The lies are so numerous at this point. You really can’t believe anything he says. From what happened to his car, to why he’s borrowing money, to how his father passed away (Because he’s told three different stories about that and none are the truth). Anyways. We first got together when he was a volunteer firefighter. Then he joined the Air Force. Between BMT and Tech he was gone for a year and a half. I went to see his tech school graduation. I spent 52 hours on a greyhound bus to get to him. After his graduation we spent a month in Oklahoma with my grandpa, mostly so I could visit with my family out there and so my ex could have some time before going to his first duty station. I was supposed to head to Florida for a brief visit and then head back home, but we had decided that we’d just spend a year and a half apart. We didn’t want to do that again. So we decided it was time to get married. As soon as we got to Florida, we were married.
This is when things started going sour. I mean, not at first. It was great for about two weeks. We moved into our apartment. We didn’t have cable or anything because my things were still in Oregon. So he would leave his laptop home so I could watch movies during the day. I was feeling slightly nostalgic one day. I went over through the journal I kept while he was gone. I re-read our letters to each other. I decided to look back over our skype conversations. Completely unprepared for what I was about to find. There were several inappropriate conversations with several women. Video calls that I don’t even want to imagine. I confronted him when he got home that night and he told me. He cheated on me the entire time he was in Tech school. That’s 14 months. He couldn’t tell me who, how many times, or even how many women he cheated with. I was fucking devastated. I had spent the time he was gone completely dedicated to him. I just moved 3000+ miles away from everyone and everything for him. I just couldn’t believe it. What was I going to do?
I came back home for about a month to surprise my little sister for her birthday (because I adore that child, and I still do). I took the time to really clear my head. I was still in that I have to defend my husband state of mind so I just kind of cut out anyone who spoke ill of him. But I was still really hurt by everything. In the end I decided we’d work things out and it would be fine. So I went back to him. That was my mistake. We went through marriage counseling. But it didn’t help. On the surface it did. But he was still being shady and sneaky, and lying about all kinds of things (later revealed he is a pathological liar). He was constantly staring at other women. He would be checking a girl out in a store and be trying to kiss me at the same time. Like I couldn’t see where his eyes were looking. It lead to some severe self esteem issues. I spent a good year being depressed. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive at this point. You aren’t good enough, you’re lazy, you’re crazy, little nitpicks over things. Manipulation, isolation. I wasn’t allowed to really do anything without him, but he would complain that I didn’t, and then complain when I did. It was like I could never please him. Just things like that.
Then it took a more physical turn. There was never really heavy abuse, I refer to it as light physical abuse. There are women out there who have it a million times worse and I don’t want to try to even compare what happened to me to what happened to them. He would pinch my thighs and leave little bruises. He would grab me by the ankles and drag me across the carpet until I had burns on my back. He would hold my wrists really tightly (which almost got my last boyfriend punched. He grabbed my wrist once and I flashed back and almost hit him). He smacked me and his wedding ring left a welt on my face. He bit my arm hard enough to leave a bruise of his uppers and lowers. The chaplain saw this one and asked if I wanted to report it. I didn’t want to. I was afraid he would have been kicked out of the Air Force and that’s the one thing he really had going for him. But I did send pictures of every mark and bruise he left on me to two friends and my father. That way if I needed out, I had people who knew what was happening.
Fast forward a bit. I finally make a friend. A busty blonde who likes to flaunt it. Which wasn’t very helpful for my self esteem issues, but she was such a great person to be around. Full of energy and just so much fun. Her and my husband became quite close and it kind of wore on me. She mentioned she had cheated on her husband several times. We jokingly left our numbers on a streetbike once. Thinking nothing would come of it. Well he got in touch with us and I begged to go home and call it a night. But she wanted to meet him. So we did. We were all laying in his bed and she was going to make her move but her period started. So he turned his attention to me. This pissed her off. So I kind of egged it on. If you can have my husband’s attention, I can have his. I didn’t think much of it. I was meaning to put my hand on his leg…only I didn’t really touch his leg. He took that as a sign and started kissing me. Which really upset my friend. She ended up sitting in her car. I felt like throwing up so I pushed him off and just laid there. He started really pushing for sex and I didn’t really want it, but I didn’t really stop it either. I spent two weeks freaking out about telling my husband. But I did. I came clean and told him everything.
This lead to an altercation. He started yelling at me one night. So I left the room. I went back to our bedroom (it was really the second room, but I liked to switch them around a lot). He followed me and trapped me in the room. I asked him to back up and he said he could do whatever he wanted to. At this point I’m really freaking out. What is he going to do? He raised his hand and my first thought was he’s going to hit me again. He’s done it before. Why wouldn’t he do it now? So as soon as his hand went up, I went into full panic and I struck him. The first time in my life that I have ever put my hands on anyone. It worked. He backed off. But he also had me arrested. The judge sided with me. But because he withheld adjudication and still fined me, the AF pressed for a guilty charge. Because of the fine, he had to enter me as guilty.
I accept this. The only thing I’m guilty of is finally standing up for myself. It might not have been in the best way possible, it might have been years too late… but I finally stood up to him. We signed our divorce papers Dec. 19th 2012 and it was final Oct. 3rd 2013. It wasn’t complicated, it just took so long because he wanted me back (still does). I refuse. I pushed and pushed and finally called to find out what we needed to do to get it done. They told me, I got it done. No thank you. I want no part of you in my life. I’m in a much better place these days. I don’t like people touching me or moving too fast during heated arguments. But my self esteem is in a much much better place. I don’t constantly feel like I’m being compared to every single female around me. I’ve learned to love my body. Flaws and all. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m taking small steps to get over other issues I was having. Things are really starting to look up.
The best advice I can give you, is if you think you’re in an abusive relationship (any form of abuse) Get out. Seriously. Get away from that person as fast as you can. Cut off all contact. Change your number. Get a restraining order if you have to. I know it’s easier said than done. I stayed much longer than I should have. But please. Get help, Don’t be ashamed. Get away.