Why It Hurts

It’s been an awfully long time since I stopped my Why It Hurts series. Or even really talking about my infertility that much. Just with my dad’s newest baby and things in life…. I had just become really hurt and angry and bitter towards my OWN body again. Sometimes it’s hard to admit feeling the way I do because it’s not the way I WANT to feel. Unfortunately with infertility you don’t really get to CHOOSE how you feel. You just kind of feel it anyways. So with that being said, I kind of have a few things to add to my Why It Hurts series. I originally had a list of topic points to talk about under this series. But since I stopped and am now starting again because of a specific incident… I’m going to do whatever I want. Because I can.

It’s no secret I’m struggling with infertility. Even now that I’m single again. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still infertile. 4 and a half years of trying. With nothing to show. Even when I’m finally not single again, and totally ready to TTC again… I’ll still be facing infertility. This isn’t something that will just vanish on it’s own. It is a medical condition that requires medical intervention. I don’t make it a point to hide the fact that I am infertile. I very openly talk about it. I’ve had several friends with concerns come and talk to me because I’m the only person they know going through it at this time. That’s why I’m so open about it. Where as I’m ashamed of my body for not doing what it should… I also don’t want others to feel as alone as I felt. That being said, ALL my friends pretty much know. Especially those closest to me. I think that’s why this conversation upset me the most.

I was talking about my little sister (whom has given me a great sense of what it’s like to be in a mothering role throughout her life.) I was specifically talking about her fourth birthday and how she promised me she would be four forever and how now she’s doing so many things on her own (I should mention she’s 13). But I’ve cried at several points in her life. The most recent being when she walked to a friend’s house by herself. Yes. I bawled like a baby. So my friend, who knows my struggles, says to me “wait until you have your own kids…” Now typically that wouldn’t hurt. If you’re fertile you know you’ll eventually have kids. When you’re infertile, such as myself, you don’t really ever know that you will have your own children. That kind of stung. A lot. I replied with “All I do is wait…” Seriously I’ve been trying for 4 and a half years. What in your mind makes you think it’s not hurtful to hear “wait until you have your own kids”?

As if that wasn’t bad enough they added “it will happen when it happens, you still have time.” Thanks. Yea. I mean I’m only 24. I suppose I do have time. But infertility and saving up THOUSANDS of dollars for the treatments necessary (because insurance deems it an ELECTIVE procedure… like I fucking CHOOSE to be infertile…) I mean that kind of makes it feel like your clock is ticking just a bit faster. Time isn’t the enemy here. My BODY and MONEY are the issue here. Even if I throw THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars at the issue, it’s not a guarantee that I will even be able to carry my child to full term. Not only that the “it will happen when it happens” line. Seriously! What the fuck. That implies there’s a reason it isn’t happening right now. Could it be that my BODY might be that reason? I know you have one kid already and have the potential to have as many as you want. That’s great that you will never know my struggle. I would never wish infertility on anyone. But it won’t happen when it happens. MY body DOESN’T work that way. I’m glad you’ll never know medical intervention to conceive a child. But I will. It will never just “happen” for me.

And to top it all off…. they had the never to say “well my friend was told she wouldn’t have kids, now she has two.” That’s cool. That’s great. That’s grand. I’m so happy that your friend was able to have children in the end. That doesn’t mean that I will. She isn’t me. I’m not her. Her body isn’t mine. Whatever worked for her, probably won’t work for me. Don’t try to compare what one person is going through to what another person went through. EVERY situation is totally different. Every body is totally different. I just left it at that. This is the same friend, who knowing my struggles, took time to personally text me a fake pregnancy announcement on Thanksgiving without thinking first about how that might make me feel. And some people might say infertile people are too sensitive… could be that fertile people just aren’t sensitive enough. Infertility needs to stop being such a taboo topic. People need to be aware that just because you can have children with zero issues, doesn’t mean everyone else can. This is a real issue. This is something someone will carry with them for life. Thousands of questions, sometimes with no answers. Sometimes with a happy ending, somethings with no happy ending. Just take time to think about what you’re saying to someone.

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