No worries, the no contact order is still in place. I have just been wanting to talk about this for the last few months. I haven’t really been able to figure out how to word it though. So…kinda winging it here. The abuse was finally investigated. Which seemed really sudden to me, even though it was a few years after the fact. Just because I had finally sat down and started to accept the fact it was abuse. Then I’m being asked a billion questions. It was a really hard time for me. Because I was feeling a lot of conflicting emotions. I still do. I probably always will. Part of me loves who I thought he was, and the other part really dislikes who he really is. It was hard to have a heart to heart with myself and accept the fact that he wasn’t “just playing” or that “he really didn’t mean to hurt me.” No part of what I went through was okay and I think that by denying it for so long, I felt kind of like I was protecting myself from some harsher reality. It worked, temporarily.
One of the hardest parts, aside from all the emotions, were the questions. Mainly having to sit down with someone and actually tell them face to face, the hurtful things that were said to me on a daily basis…and to hear myself saying aloud the things he did to me. It’s easier to type that he would pinch me all the time, or he would grab me by the ankles and drag me across the carpet, or that he full on bit me, or he smacked me and his ring left a welt on my face. It’s soooo much easier to hide behind a keyboard and say these things. It’s twenty times harder to sit and pour my hurt into someone else’s lap. Saying everything makes it feel that much more real. And often times I have a hard time accepting that it really did happen. What if he was just playing. What if he didn’t really mean it. What if I’m remembering it wrong. What if he really is who I thought he was and not who he really is… it’s a constant battle in my head.
Another thing that made it super incredibly hard, is that no matter what he’s done or said to me, i would never wish anything bad on him. I don’t know what in his life lead to him being the way that he is, or that helps him justify what he does… but he needs love and support, and most of all help. It doesn’t make anything that he did okay. But it helps me in being a little bit better with my journey in getting over it. He’s sick and he doesn’t know he is. I can’t be the one to help him. He has to do that himself. I can’t stick around while he figures it out because that does more damage to me. So I had a no contact order set up. Not just to keep him away from me, but to keep me away from him.
One more thing that makes it all really hard to talk about, openly, is the fact that I know he knows I’m talking about it openly. I don’t know how he’ll react or what he’ll do. I was asked if I fear for my life if he were to come home. Not really. I don’t think he would kill me or even try to kill me. But I do know he’s not above hurting me. There are a million ways he could do that. They told me I could be notified if he comes home. And there are really two sides to that. If he comes home and I don’t know it and he doesn’t drop by, I’ve saved myself a week’s worth of panic attacks. But if I do choose to be notified, I’ll spend the entire time he’s here constantly worried about it. I’d rather not know and just pray he doesn’t decide to come by.
If I ever have the misfortune of running into him out and about, I’ll quickly turn the other way and keep walking. I don’t want to speak to him, I don’t want to hurt him. I have no desire to even be around him or to put myself into a potentially dangerous situation. I’m not hell bent on revenge or seeing his life fail (which is why I never openly talked about the abuse during our marriage.) I just want nothing to do with him. The best way to do that is to distance myself, cut off contact, talk about what happened rather than keeping it all in, and slowly working on moving forward in my life.
I can’t change the things that have happened, I can’t take back the things that were said. It’s too late for that. But I can do my best to accept it, make peace with it, and strive for something better. And that’s what I’m going to do.