One Last Time

Sometimes it’s really easy to hold on to the past. This can be a good thing, and sometimes it can be a bad thing. It depends on how you’re holding on to it. Obviously everyone has a past. Good things, bad things, terrible things. All things that you can’t make go away. Sometimes I’m able to take a situation from the past, and even if I was upset, hurt, angry, when it happened, I can hold on to it in a good way. A lesson learned, a positive outcome, new friends that were made because of it. Sometimes though it gets held on to in a negative way. A way that continuously hurts you. In my life so far I only have one situation that I hold on to in a negative way. My entire relationship/marriage with my ex-husband. More often than not when I look back on our times together, I only see the end result. Who he was, who I was, what happened. What it was like. I remember the pain, the fear, the frustration. I even have a board on my Pinterest dedicated to that particular part of my past.

I’m thinking now is the time for that to change. I don’t want to hold on to all this negative. That doesn’t mean I’ll forget it ever happened. I won’t. But I don’t want to carry it around with me all the time. It gets too heavy sometimes and I can feel it smothering me. There will never be any reason that makes it all okay, and I will still have to get help… but that doesn’t mean I can’t forgive him. He’ll probably never know that I have, and that’s okay. Because I’m not forgiving him for his sake. I’m forgiving him for my sake. I truly don’t believe he is a genuinely evil person. I think he’s got some issues in life and he might not be aware of them. I don’t think he did what he did against me in a personal way. I think I just ended up being an unfortunate outlet because I was there at the time he needed one. I’m also going to take another step and delete my board on Pinterest. It’s mostly about abuse and facts, statistics. Things of that nature. I could leave it up and rename it “Survivor”… but honestly if I’m going to let it go, I need to let it go. Looking at those pins just brings back all the bad memories.

Someday I’ll be strong enough to pull out that microSD card that has the pictures of us in our early days (and our wedding)…. someday I’ll be strong enough to delete them. They are the last physical reminder I have of our time together. I’m not ready to take that step just yet. So it’ll stay safe in my desk until then.

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