First Appointment

I have been a mess leading up to today. I won’t lie to you. I understand why they wait until 8 weeks, but still. It’s so hard to not worry about things when you don’t know how things are going. I had a hard time sleeping. It felt like I was 6 again and it was Christmas Eve πŸ˜€ Thankfully time flew by and it was time to go before I knew it. Traffic wasn’t bad at all on the way there. Thank goodness. Got there on time. Checked in. The receptionist said what I was hoping to hear. “Hold your pee until the ultrasound.” Oh yes, today will be a good day! After about 20 minutes they called my name. My mother, sister, and fiance went back with me. They tried an abdominal ultrasound, but it turns out my uterus is tilted to the back. I’ve had ultrasounds before and this has never been mentioned to me. We did get to see the flicker of the heartbeat. Yes… I cried my face off.

The tech had me pee and prepared me for a transvaginal ultrasound. This is where it gets good. Our baby instantly popped up on the screen. Little heart just beating away. Guys, it was the single most amazing thing I have experienced up until this point in my life. I totally lost it. I saw exactly what I had hoped to see. A happy healthy baby, where it should be, growing as it should be, with a really strong heartbeat. I cannot explain to you how much weight has been lifted off of me. Instant calm, instant relief. Our perfect little baby. Heart rate was 182. I’m about 8 weeks 3 days, my new due date is March 30th 2018. The doc said everything looks absolutely perfect. Exactly what she wanted and likes to see. The yolk sac is still present, this is totally normal and it will go away as the placenta takes over. Answered all of my questions and then some.

All in all today was incredible. Aside from having a bunch of stuff shoved up in me, tons of exams and tests, and a hefty blood draw πŸ˜€ That part wasn’t so fun. It’s hours later and I’m still feeling drained. It was just a big day mentally, emotionally, and physically. Totally worth it. We are beyond in live with our little love bug. Our next appointment is 4 weeks from now. I already can’t wait πŸ™‚Β 20170821_22203220170821_222050

 

 

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What happened was…

So I’ve said several times I would try to be more consistent with this blog again, then I went missing for a bit. Now I’m back with some pretty big news. Anyone who has followed this blog knows I’m no stranger to infertility. I managed to get pregnant in 2015 and suffered an early loss. Well… after 86 months of trying, that’s 7 years 2 months for anyone wondering… WE’RE PREGNANT! Yes WE. Even though I’m the one carrying the child, he’s still just as responsible for this child, and he played a part in creating this life. So WE are pregnant. I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow and have my first OB appointment πŸ™‚ We’re a bunch of nervous balls of excitement. Assuming traffic won’t be horrendous. We live in Oregon and it’s expected there will be an extra million people in the state. Traffic in areas has already been insane. On top of wildfires. It’s all out madness.

Details, details. Yea. I’m getting there. So I honestly didn’t think anything was up. The day before my period was due we went and bought pads. I even put one on thinking my period was coming. That day I got into an argument with a family member that ended with a teenager style meltdown. I mean slamming doors and crying. Not a proud moment. I’m not a crier. Legit. I’ve known my fiance for 13 years and he’s only seen me cry maybe 2 or 3 times for totally reasonable reasons. Like when we lost our first pregnancy. I thought maybe it’s just a really bad bout of PMS?

July 24th, the day before my Fiance’s birthday. D day. I wake up as usual. Cramping a bit. Nothing like usual. Getting ready to put a new pad on for the day. My handy dandy stock of pregnancy tests (because I always test the day AF is due. Habit from the last 7 years) grab one, because again, habit. Get to the bathroom. Open it up, prepare myself. Thinking nothing of it. Pee, set it down, rub the sleep from my eyes. Glance over. The urine is moving slowly across the window. Popped positive before the urine even hit the control line. I rub my eyes again thinking I’m just not awake yet and seeing things. Stand up and flush. Grav the test for a proper look. Two lines. Not even a faint line, much darker than my first pregnancy. What. The. Fuck! Is this real life? Am I dreaming?

I go running into our room, jumped on our bed. Shook my fiance awake. Shoved the test in his face. By this time I’m bawling. Like hideous bawling. He’s not awake, has no idea what the hell I just shoved at him. I’m like “do you see it? Is it there!?!” He says “oh yea! That’s a dark line!” Sobbing, straight sobbing, pretty sure I told him I couldn’t breathe. I can’t believe this is happening. I manage a weak ass “happy early birthday!” Safe to say he was wide awake after that πŸ˜€ We got official doctors confirmation on his birthday.

So here we are now. 8 weeks tomorrow with our first appointment. So far it’s been a lot of growing pains, my boobs feel like they’ll hurt for the rest of my life, I pee loads, I’m super emotional. Legit everything makes me cry. I’m constantly nauseous but always starving. I have yet to throw up yet. Sometimes I think I’d feel better if I did πŸ˜€ Constipation, bloating, and gas…totally real issues. I base a good day off of whether or not I pooped that day πŸ˜€ People I haven’t spoken to in ages are suddenly very interested in how I’m doing. Pretty much everything revolves around how are you, how’s the baby?

Well I’m doing alright. Slightly terrified. Mostly excited. Baby, I assume, is just in there doing its own little thing. Growing like crazy. You know. I haven’t seen or heard it yet so I just assume all is well. I pretty much feel like poo all the time, so that’s a good thing πŸ˜€

I’ll probably totally change the direction of this blog to document my pregnancy, birth, and parenting stories. I’m sure we’re in for a hell of a ride ❀ Some of my test’s so far. I’ve actually been taking one a week now until my appointment just to ease my mind. Plus I love seeing it come up positive. It’s been a lot of years in the making. Don’t judge me!Β 55448

Namaste, Bitches

Y’all, I may or may not be slowly losing my damn mind. Like biting my tongue so much I’m shocked I still have a fucking tongue. Lets back up just a touch. Okay so I’ve been sick. Nothing major just a minor head cold I picked up from a younger sibling. We’re all doing much better now, I’ll have to check in on her mom though. She wasn’t doing so well a few days ago. Hopefully she’s feeling better by now!

My fiance taught me how to fish with a big girl rod πŸ˜€ I should explain. I was a child, maybe about 8 the last time I went fishing. Back in the day with the super sweet Scooby poles. You remember, you push a button and fling. The line comes out. Easy peasy. I’d never used an adult pole in my adult life. We want to be more active and fishing is included. I had a few really stupid questions such as “umm there’s no button on here….how do I make it go?” Which actually turns out to be much easier than I thought! So I’ve graduated to an adult rod! We’ve gone out these last 2 or 3 weekends, I think. We haven’t caught any fish yet. He did get to touch a duck though. This one spot we go to is frequented by these 2 geese and a duck. I’m not sure why this duck swims with the geese, they’re assholes to him. Anyways. They seem to be used to being around people. They’re kinda chill like that. Kinda, because they’re still assholes to this duck. So yea. He got to touch a duck. Then I promptly made him sanitize his hands πŸ˜€ Yea I carry that shit with me. Everywhere. You never know when you’ll need it.

I’ve jumped on this weight gain journey. I’m about 5 foot 9. I weigh 115 on a good day. I’ve asked my doctor about 10 thousand times if there’s something wrong with me, I can’t gain weight. They’ve assured me 10 thousand times that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, I am 100% healthy. All my levels are where they need to be, everything checks out. Either way I would like to weigh a more normal weight. I’ve added Ensure to my lifestyle changes. One of many on this quest. I’m not using it as a meal replacement, but as a supplement. Sometimes it’s easier to get extra calories by drinking them rather than eating them. So we’ll see how that goes. If I’m brave enough I’ll post before and during pictures. It’s going to take time but I’m going to make it happen! My minimum goal is to add 20 pounds. Ideally I’d like to add 30. At this point any weight gain is a major plus.

Father’s day happened just yesterday. That’s a day I don’t want to touch up on. Like the huge long overly mushy I love my family type post. It would just take too long because I have way too many dads in my life that I’d want to acknowledge. I will say that my father absolutely hates a certain thing that sounds like schedible schrrangments. Every time he sees the commercial for these he says how fucking stupid they are and how he never fucking wants one. His words. So for the last 6 years I’ve always joked that I’m getting him one. Yesterday was finally the day. We made it 2 hours before they closed. When we got home he was taking a nap so we put it in the fridge and left him a note “Happy Father’s Day! Here’s that stupid fucking schedible schrrangment you never wanted -R&K” πŸ˜€ He loved it. And yes he’s actually eating it. I know, I’m impressed as well.

Umm… I’m not sure anything else has happened. OOOOH! Yes. Yes it did! OH MY GOSH! Y’all… y’alllllll…. Alright, listen to this. This is the most fucked up thing. I swear. It’s no secret I have OCD. I’m very picky about my hands and touching certain things, the way things feel on my hands. GERMS! Okay. I’m cleaning the house. It’s a decent Oregon day. Meaning cold, grey, gloomy. Beautiful. Now with a toddler in the house its not uncommon to find all kinds of food on the floor after she leaves. Usually I just pick up the big stuff and put it in my pocket while I’m vacuuming. So it’s light enough outside I didn’t really need the lights on. I bend down to pick up what I think is a piece of cookie. Y’all. I wish I was joking. I really do. The second I touched this “cookie” I knew damn well it wasn’t a cookie! I went from totally cool to losing my damn mind in .2 seconds. I didn’t even know what it was at this point. I instantly dropped it. Terrified to actually look at it. I just kept telling my other sister “that wasn’t a cookie! That. Wasn’t. A. Cookie!” She’s looking at me like I’m a straight up loon. I gather myself and bend down to look. IT. WAS. A. FUCKING. DEAD. MOTH! I picked up a dead fucking moth with my hands! I could have cried. I had to wash my hands 3 times. Under nails, up to elbows, hottest water I could stand. Lesson learned.

As soon as I can figure out how to word the things I want to say, I’ll explain the whole namaste thing. There’s just so much to that. I don’t even know where to start. I just need to step back. Take a breathe. Just be cool. Mellow out. Okay, so until next time!

-XOXO

Lets Play Catch…

Up. Get it? The title links with the post… I’m so clever. Okay, no, seriously. Before I can start sharing where I’m at right now, I have to fill you in on what has happened since I went missing. I’ve had a few posts here and there about it so this shouldn’t take too long.

Right. So for starters I’ve been with RE for a bit over two years now. We’re both about to be 27, we met when we were 14. Our parents worked together and became friends. They Romeo and Juliet-ed us. Not like in a warring families kind of way, but like a stay the heck away from each other kind of way. Teen dating drama or some weird shit like that. Anyways. We’ve stayed in touch over the years. He’s always been a great friend. We went through similar situations and that actually kind of brought us together. Our dating story cut short: He’s amazing. He and my father are the best of friends and it actually kind of makes me want to puke. In a that’s so cute and weird kind of way. Think Cory and Topanga… and Shawn… Wherein my father is Shawn…

Okay, now that we have that part established. We were engaged about 4 months after we started dating because we weren’t fucking strangers who had just met. We’ve known each other for something like 13 years now. He’s been my best friend since forever. Duh. Had it been some dude I had just met 4 month prior trying to ask me to marry his crazy ass, I’d have left him on the spot. Like whoa, bruh you don’t even KNOW me! Cool your jets, turbo. 2 years minimum to sign up for that kind of commitment from this girl.

Something like a week after he proposed (which was amazing by the way and totally true to who we are. He proposed penguin style, y’all. Like searched for the perfect pebble and all that. Melted my heart!) we bought a house together. Nothing fancy. Just a 2 bed, 2 bath. Semi gated community. I say semi gated because the side gates are always open and any old Joe could walk in at any time. So it wasn’t anything special. But they did have a no soliciting sign posted for the whole community and that’s a pretty big plus, folks!

I think we moved in like June 26th 2015 or around there. Sounds right to me… June 30th 2015 we finally realized my period was quite a bit late. We were so caught up in being engaged and BUYING our first house, it didn’t even dawn on us. So we, well I, took a test. All that jazz. Yea. Positive. A few days later and a lot of other positives, we’re pregnant. After 5 years and 1 month of trying. Just a bit over 5 weeks. Until we lost the pregnancy.

Cue my major depression. Which led to a lot of things happening. Like me leaving two jobs. One of which was by far the best and highest paying job I’ve ever had in my life and I fucking loved it. BUT the only lady in the office who was also of childbearing age decided to announce she was pregnant around my due date. So I lost my shit. I actually contemplated my ability to crawl out this itty bitty window in the break room. I’m certain I could have fucking octopused my way through had it come down to it. I had to sit at my desk for a full day pretending like I wasn’t crying. Yea. Game over. Couldn’t hack it. I will admit I was weak. I really couldn’t do it.

Then R was having issues at his work. Right. I don’t want to get too much into his stuff on here. But they gave him the option: Either be fired or walk away, which will look better on your resume. So he walked. With his head held high! Soooo… we had this brilliant idea to get an RV of some kind. We’d give everything back (the house, the car, everything) and we’d make our way across America, doing odd jobs off Craigslist to keep us going. Sounds fucking amazing right? Like who doesn’t wish they could that shit in their lifetime? Well… it’s not all that easy as it turns out. Like it actually requires a lot of planning. And supportive families. Neither of our families wanted us gone for anything more than a weekend πŸ˜€

So we didn’t do any of that. We grabbed a tent and an air mattress. Packed up what little of our house we actually cared about and left the rest behind. We stayed at his family’s for a bit. They had an unfinished shed/mancave type building that we stayed in for a few months. Until we couldn’t do that anymore. Around Nov. some crazy bullshit went down, resulted in me having to give my Abby girl to a new home. Because some people just can’t mind their own business. Even though everything was resolved in a way that worked for everyone. I don’t want to get into it. It still fucking pisses me off and breaks my heart. Anyways…

We currently live with my parents πŸ™‚ Which works really well for us actually. And then… there’s always an “and then” isn’t there? My brother and his girlfriend moved in. Now that’s a topic I’m not even going to touch with a 10 foot pole. Not my life, not my business. But it does tend to make things a LOT more hectic. Like our once nice flow is all disrupted and chaotic. Which drives me pretty much bonkers. But it’s whatever. Life is life and life is beautiful. We just keep smiling. Which probably makes us look insane.

Maybe a tad bit longer than I had planned on, but I think that’s really about all you need to be caught up on. Oh just for anyone wondering, yes R is working again. Has been for quite some time now. He works from late afternoon to just after midnight, sometimes later. So my schedule matches his. He’s looking for a day job instead so we can both work. Two incomes are better than one! For now I do some at home type work that gets me a little bit of income here and there. Every little bit helps πŸ™‚

With love, XOXO

No More Hiatus!

So… we meet again. In the last two years I’ve been very off and on. Which I deeply apologize for. I went into a pretty deep depression for a good bit of time (I’ll spare you the details for now). I didn’t mean to keep you waiting…much like a favorite BBC show that makes you wait 3 years for 3 new episodes!!! I FEELΒ your pain. I hear your cries. I’m back. Along with keeping up with this blog, much like before, I’ll also be changing a few things. When I first started, this blog was what I needed it to be. But, like myself, things change. It’s inevitable my friends. No worries though. I will be posting more regularly (YAY!!!!) I’ll just be trashing some of my older posts and basically starting over brand new πŸ™‚

For my loyal readers that never gave up on me or abandoned me… I love and adore you πŸ™‚ I really do. Thank you for never turning your back on me. I have SOOOO many things to tell you! Oh. My. Gosh. Y’all have no idea. I’m actually really excited to get you all caught up.

For potentially new readers, I’ve kept it pretty mild in this post so far. Fair warning: I’m not a lady… I mean I am a lady… but I swear. A. Lot. I also tend to type without much of a filter. I know. Totally not professional for a blogger. I’m not a professional blogger. I’m just a lady sat at home who throws her thoughts at the page and what sticks, sticks πŸ˜€ I’m not even sorry about it. I can promise you this, I’ll avoid anything and everything political πŸ™‚ You’re welcome for that. It’s not that I don’t care, or that I don’t have an opinion. It’s just I don’t even talk politics with my family and I actually love those dinkballs. So. That’s just the way it is.

For everyone, you can pretty much expect a lot of the same. I’ll talk to you like we’re old friends meeting up at the corner cafe for a chat over tea. You can always chat back if you wish. I love hearing from you! Sooo…. yup. That’s about it for now I think. Keep an eye out for the upcoming changes and new posts πŸ™‚

With Love, XOXO

Ladies and Gentlemen

Your attention, please! Hey, hi, hello πŸ™‚ It’s me! I know, I know….”but Katie, you’ve been gone for so long! Where did you go? What’s been happening?” I’m here to answer all that and more. First off, I left off with a certain post. Anyone who has been following my blog knows that I struggle with infertility. Massively. Last June, after 5 years and 1 month of trying, we found out we were pregnant πŸ™‚ Life was good. We had just bought a house and got engaged. Then boom, unexpectedly (I say unexpectedly because we honestly never thought it would happen) two pink lines. Not a close your left eye, turn in a circle three times, rub your tummy, pat your head to see it kind of line either. I mean bright pink, bam in your face, no denying it positive. Other than a missed period the only real “sign” (I say “sign” because if you know me, you know everything is a “sign”) I had was insane sleepiness. I could not stay awake for the life of me. I think in total I tested about 8 times with 3 different brands just to make sure it was actually happening. We went in, set up my first ultrasound. All that fun stuff. Took a little road trip because we had to. Got back home a few days later and I didn’t exactly feel right?Β I mean I had never been pregnant before so I wasn’t really sure what was normal and what wasn’t. We were walking around Walmart when I felt a wet spot in my pants. TMI? Nah. I’ve shared worse here. We were closer to my parents house than ours. We dropped by, I checked it out. Sure enough brown spotting. Which can be normal in early pregnancy. Brown blood is old blood. We’re totally safe… Later on we got home and took a nap, again I couldn’t stay awake! I had a dream that we had lost our little poppy. Which put me into a panic. Needless to say I woke up wanting to test just to see that line again. Before I even sat down to pee the red blood started. LOTS of it. Like there’s no way this is normal kind of bleeding. Don’t even get me started on the amount of pain involved. I still peed on the test. Super squinter of a line. I walked out to my fiancΓ© who was patiently waiting for an update. Before I could say anything I just started bawling. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. I was close to 5 weeks.

I didn’t mean to disappear. Honestly. Losing the pregnancy after trying for so long to get there just really hit me hard. I was depressed for the better part of a year. I lost two jobs because of it. Dealing with pregnant women, baby showers, and pregnant coworkers. I went into extreme avoidance mode. It was a really dark period of time for me. It’s been over a year now (miscarried July 2nd 2015) and I’m ready to get back at it. I wish I could start this off with good news and say that in the year since the miscarriage we ended up pregnant again…. but we haven’t. Right back to the same as before. BUT!!! I do have all kinds of other news to share with you πŸ™‚ So if you’ve been following me, waiting, it’s so good to see your faces again. If you’re new around here, hi πŸ™‚ Let me just say it feels good to be back!

Guess Who’s Back!!!!

Wow, so I didn’t intend on just up and disappearing… but some major life changes have taken place in the last few months.

MAJOR!

For starters I got in touch with someone from my past, someone none of my followers have even heard mention of, that’s how far back we go. Once he came back into my life, I found myself with less and less time to keep updating my blog. Life was just too exciting!

We bought our first home πŸ™‚ That’s been a whole new journey in itself. And will probably have a ton of posts of it’s own.

I finally got pregnant. If you followed my blog before, you know how incredible that news is… I do have to warn you… we did miscarry. So that alone will have a ton of posts. Be prepared.

We got ENGAGED! I know, I know. I swore up and down I would never marry again. That it just wasn’t for me. Yea, yea, yea. I’m aware. He’s just that amazing. I’m sure I’ll have a million posts dedicated just to him. Like that’s what you really want to hear about. We’re actually getting married in about 8 days! Not much time, but we’re just so excited and can’t wait. I’ve never been so excited in my entire life. I’ve had plenty to be excited about, but this is just the best decision I’ve ever made. Hands down.

Umm… a few other things on the family front that I may blog about. Change some names around to protect privacy and such. Such as my little sister’s first birthday πŸ™‚ That was pretty huge and I’m so glad I got to be apart of her special day. She really is just such a joy to be around. I adore her.

My other older than K, but younger than me, sister started high school! Tragedy. Okay, over-dramatic. I can’t help it. That’s been so much fun {translation: NOT REALLY} It’s a whole new ballgame.

Anywho those are some key updates to tide you over for now. I will sit down tonight [probably not tonight] and sort through everything. Maybe overhaul the blog a bit. Find a new direction because so much has changed. Clean it all up. Get things back up and running again!!!!! I’m so excited to be back πŸ™‚ I can’t wait to hear from everyone, see what everyone has been up to, and to fill everyone in on what’s been going on behind the scenes the past 8 months.